Thursday, October 14, 2010

Things I Learned from Horror Movies

When it comes to horror movies, certain cliches abound, just like any other movie genre. I'm not even a fan of the horror genre, but I know that abiding by the following may save your life if you ever find yourself in a horror movie scenario. But, no guarantees...

1. Loose women don’t survive.

2. Don’t check to make sure it/he/she is really dead, just shoot again a few times.

3. You’re usually safe if you’re a kid, elderly person, or virgin, but don’t let that prevent you from arming yourself, because you could still be terrorized even if you survive the encounter.

4. Everyone is a suspect; your best friend, your spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend, your stepparents, your teacher, the pizza man, the policeman, and your dog—none of them are above suspicion.

5. Even YOU, the protagonist, are not above suspicion because you might be schizophrenic or suffering from dissociative identity disorder.

6. Turning on the lights is just a good idea. Wandering around in the dark when there is a psycho or monster around is a stupid idea.

7. Don’t depend on your dog—dogs are corruptible and expendable.

8. When being pursued, do not turn around to see how far the assailant is behind you. Run and keep running.

9. Disassociate yourself from law enforcement officers. If they are not in on the heinous plot, they die and therefore expose you to further danger.

10. When you hear a strange, unexpected noise, do not ask what it was and proceed to check. Leave it alone. Move to another state.

11. Know your family history. If anyone in your family line was ever involved in a murder, a conspiracy, a pagan ritual, an extramarital affair, war crimes, or even a high school prank, change your name. Better yet, disown your family.

12. Seeking refuge in a secluded place only creates an opportunity for the killer/monster/two-faced side character to pursue the protagonist without witnesses. Stay in populated, well-lit areas.

13. No matter how mentally unstable the person is, if they tell you not to take a certain road, enter a certain house, or read a certain book, just don’t do it.

14. If your house is built on what was once an ancient burial ground, battleground, execution square, or place where occult rituals are rumored to have taken place, move.

15. Don't make deals with anything supernatural, extraterrestrial or paranormal, no matter what the temptation is. It doesn't end well. EVER. 

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