Sequels: The Movie Murderer

If we’ve seen it once, we’ve seen it a thousand times. There is a fantastic movie that may have lived in cinematic history for all time, and then the sequels come into play, effectively crushing the sparkle. In the interest of fairness, there have been numerous occasions where the sequel topped the greatness of the first installment- the classic example of course being The Empire Strikes Back, not to mention the illustrious Dark Knight. But more often than not, sequels end up like the late Transformers 2, over-utilizing special effects and Megan Fox to compensate for gaping plot holes.


Consider the incomparable Jaws. Jaws practically invented the blockbuster, and despite slightly outdated special effects, the movie is still considered a great classic due to the visionary directing of Steven Spielberg and the extraordinarily iconic score by John Williams. With such paramount success, one wonders why Jaws parts 2 onwards did not meet with equal success- it was certainly not the absence of Richard Dreyfuss that sealed the doom of the sequels, but the presence of dolphins probably didn’t help. The fact is, a dorsal fin can only breach the surface so many times before we yawn and say “there it is again—that guy is a goner.” Eventually, the same old gimmick just doesn’t work anymore, and there are no more surprises. By the time Jaws the Revenge came along, the last hope was to indicate that the shark (or sharks, do we ever really know if it was one or several?) was on a vendetta specifically against the Brody family. Even with a plot twist like that and giving the shark Olympic jumping ability, the only real twist would have been if the shark had not died an impossibly explosive death for a change.


The death sentence for a great movie-turned-franchise is in overdoing the old formula. This exact factor is probably why The Matrix is part of the revolutionary movie cannon, while its sequels are desperately trying to be forgotten. The first movie took special effects to new heights, but between the countless imitators and rip-offs, those jazzy moments lost their sparkle very quickly, and it didn't matter anymore when the original makers came back to serve up seconds. It was already cold and moldy. 


Jurassic Park was another movie masterpiece that capitalized on the success of the first movie, and ran the story into the ground with two more movies. In all fairness, The Lost World and Jurassic Park III could have been worse, and they both had their moments of effective suspense, but failed to deliver the magic that made the original movie popular. Every rabbit that the Jurassic Park sequels managed to pull out of the hat were promptly chomped by the weak storyline and unoriginal stock characters. Every movie had an unlikely hero, a lucky-to-survive-anything female, a gun-toting macho man who always dies, and a kid or two starring alongside the T-rexes and raptors that featured prominently in every movie.


The best example of killing a good thing by overdoing it is the tragic Spiderman. Spiderman was one of the best comic book movies up to its time, and its sequel was equal or possibly greater to the first movie. With Spiderman 2, there was still room to work in the unforgettable Doc Ock, let Peter struggle with being Spiderman while trying to uphold his personal life, as well as develop character in all major players. So what happened when Spiderman 3 came along? It had potential with Sandman and Venom at the helm of conflict, but instead, Spiderman 3 became the ultimate overdone sequel. Trying to make Sandman into a sympathetic villain might have worked had we been given time to think about him. But between Sandman, Venom, Dark Spiderman (Emo Peter), and the newly turned Harry succeeding his father as the Green Goblin, there was far too much story and action and somehow not enough time to cultivate a real plot. In the end, all we wound up with was a very long mess of a web that felt like it was leaving a few strands hanging just in case anyone should care to spin a part 4. And by the way, there are such rumors.


While I'm not knocking all sequels nor suggesting that sequels never be made, when it comes to great action movies, sequels have become the equivalent to medicinal leeching: it seems like a good idea at the time but doesn't actually accomplish anything other than sapping the life out of the situation. Although it's understandable to try and prolong success, there is a certain kind of integrity in enjoying the moment of fame, and silently allowing it to come to pass as all good things eventually do. Of course, this is assuming that the purpose of the entire industry was actually about entertainment rather than making money. Since this world does not exist, the only thing to do is prepare for more grand sequel fiascoes.


Transformers 3 anyone?

Disney's Most Underrated Villains

Every year I come across a list somewhere about the great movie villains ranking Hannibal Lecter, the Joker, and Nurse Ratchet according to their heinousness. Personally villains fascinate me, but rather than writing a list that would just repeat was has already been said by other, more educated individuals, I am composing a list of a different kind-- underrated Disney villains. When you ask anyone well versed in Disney animated classics about their favorite villains, Ursulla, Captain Hook, and Scar are usually at the top of the list alongside Mallificent, Cruella deVille, and the Evil Queen from Snow White. While these are certainly fair choices, I find it shocking that the following worthy villains are so often overlooked or forgotten:

Rattigan of The Great Mouse Detective—The fact that Rattigan was voiced by Vincent Price should be enough to put him in anyone’s top five villains, but he also feeds incompetent subjects to a cat, employs the services of a crippled bat, sings of drowning widows and orphans, and kidnaps a toymaker to create a machine in the likeness of the Queen of England. 

Shere Khan of The Jungle Book- Granted, Shere Khan did not feature prominently in The Jungle Book, but he certainly made his brief appearances memorable. His smooth as silk voice, appropriately cat-like grace, and English gentleman’s charm make Shere Khan an excellent character. His hate of mankind, and devious sportsmanship make him a remarkable villain who commands respect. 

Hades of Hercules- Even if you could forget that he is the lord of the underworld, he tried to assassinate an infant Hercules, rounds up all the titans in a coup against Zeus and holds Meg’s soul ransom. And yet, Hades comes off as a pretty relaxed guy who has taken anger management, and only loses his temper for a few seconds before regaining his composure and continuing his quest for cosmos domination with a dry sense of humor and a touch of Yiddish. 

Shan-Yu of Mulan- Shan-Yu the Hunn is evil incarnate. He invades China, survives a massive avalanche, and violates the rules of not shooting the messengers. He is an absolute beast with no sense of mercy, even when dealing with innocent children. Although handled somewhat delicately, more mature audiences will not easily forget the line “A girl will be missing her doll,” and the implied massacre that follows. 

McLeach of The Rescuers Down Under- Brilliantly voiced by George C. Scott, McLeach is the evil poacher that kidnaps animals and slays endangered species. When the kid hero Cody foils McLeach’s plans to find and kill the great Golden Eagle, he hangs the kid over a crocodile pit and slowly lowers him down towards the snapping jaws of death. 

  The Queen of Hearts of Alice in Wonderland- “Off with their heads!” Enough said. 

Judge Claude Frollo of The Hunchback of Notre Dame- Quite possibly the only animated character in Disney movie history to be portrayed indulging his obsessive lust. His unjustified hate of gypsies and consistent torture of Quasimodo are but a foretaste to his sentencing Esmerelda to death by burning at the stake as punishment for rejecting his lurid advances. 

Things I Learned from Horror Movies

When it comes to horror movies, certain cliches abound, just like any other movie genre. I'm not even a fan of the horror genre, but I know that abiding by the following may save your life if you ever find yourself in a horror movie scenario. But, no guarantees...




1. Loose women don’t survive.

2. Don’t check to make sure it/he/she is really dead, just shoot again a few times.


3. You’re usually safe if you’re a kid, elderly person, or virgin, but don’t let that prevent you from arming yourself, because you could still be terrorized even if you survive the encounter.


4. Everyone is a suspect; your best friend, your spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend, your stepparents, your teacher, the pizza man, the policeman, and your dog—none of them are above suspicion.


5. Even YOU, the protagonist, are not above suspicion because you might be schizophrenic or suffering from dissociative identity disorder.


6. Turning on the lights is just a good idea. Wandering around in the dark when there is a psycho or monster around is a stupid idea.


7. Don’t depend on your dog—dogs are corruptible and expendable.


8. When being pursued, do not turn around to see how far the assailant is behind you. Run and keep running.


9. Disassociate yourself from law enforcement officers. If they are not in on the heinous plot, they die and therefore expose you to further danger.


10. When you hear a strange, unexpected noise, do not ask what it was and proceed to check. Leave it alone. Move to another state.


11. Know your family history. If anyone in your family line was ever involved in a murder, a conspiracy, a pagan ritual, an extramarital affair, war crimes, or even a high school prank, change your name. Better yet, disown your family.


12. Seeking refuge in a secluded place only creates an opportunity for the killer/monster/two-faced side character to pursue the protagonist without witnesses. Stay in populated, well-lit areas.


13. No matter how mentally unstable the person is, if they tell you not to take a certain road, enter a certain house, or read a certain book, just don’t do it.


14. If your house is built on what was once an ancient burial ground, battleground, execution square, or place where occult rituals are rumored to have taken place, move.


15. Don't make deals with anything supernatural, extraterrestrial or paranormal, no matter what the temptation is. It doesn't end well. EVER. 

On Realism

As an avid self proclaimed movie critic and lover of film arts, one of my chief annoyances is exiting a good film to have a companion mutter that it was "so unrealistic". Granted that some genres require that you suspend your disbelief for the sake of the story, yet somehow these are always the movies that come under attack. Because somewhere, even within the realms of fantasy, we still expect a degree of believability. But where do you draw the line between acceptable unrealistic and completely unacceptable unrealistic? 

After a trip to see the much anticipated "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull," a friend railed that it was completely unrealistic and therefore discredited the film as grounds to ask Spielberg and Lucas to both retire. Admittedly, seeing Shia LeBeouf swinging Tarzan style through a jungle to catch up with two speeding Hummers was stretching it, even for Indiana Jones (I mean, I grew up in a jungle and I never perfected that art. I once broke my arm trying!). Yes the whole alien twist was a little X-files, but it's not like the Holy Grail really exists either. Ark of the Covenant; that's debatable. If you were going to be realistic, Indiana Jones probably wouldn't have survived that carnival train ride in his youth portrayed in "the Last Crusade", so it's pretty unrealistic that he's alive at all, let alone still raiding tombs and desecrating ancient sacred places. I know I can't talk about the fourth Indiana Jones however without mentioning the fridge. Don't ever try to escape a nuclear explosion by hiding in a fridge. It won't work. 

Here's an example of things that tend to get overlooked. Putting aside the impossibility of resurrecting dinosaurs for "Jurrassic Park", did anyone note that if it had been a realistic movie, the kids Lex and Tim would have been the first ones to go? Sorry kids. Followed by the fat guy (Nedry), and pretty much everyone else that wasn't equipped with some kind of Rambo-esque artillery--which didn't work out for that poor warden anyway. Furthermore, the minute that word got out that there was an island of scientifcally engineered dinosaurs, every animal rights organization, scientist, prophet of doom, and religious fanatic would be lined up outside Hammond's house with enough protesting to give the old guy a heart attack if he survived the assasination attempts. 

Ever see "Kate and Leopold"? The sexiest man alive in 1876 time travels to modern day New York City and falls in love with a career woman. What is more unbelievable however, than the idea that a fool can jump off a fatally high bridge and end up in 1876 is that Liev Schreiber could fall down an elevator shaft, and only escape with minor injuries. 

What's the deal with saving the dog? I like dogs, and I would take my dog with me if I was evacuating a place of certain death. But take "Independence Day"s dog-- the animal was dumb enough to sit in the car even as the tunnel around him is vast becoming a pipeline of fire until his owner calls him. The dog runs to refuge with the smoldering flames right at his heels while human beings all around it are getting ROASTED. Never mind that the dog survived; its tail didn't even get singed! 

Jaws is a great movie. But Hooper would have run out of oxygen while hiding out at the ocean floor waiting for Brody to shoot the shark. 

The point? Movies are unrealistic. And sometimes, that's just why we like them. But if you get hung up on unrealistic details, like I've deliberately done here, you see how it ruins it. My advice is suspend your disbelief and enjoy the show. But don't hide from a nuclear blast in a fridge.